My heart skipped a beat today.
| Hector: | So how long have you two known each other? |
| Michael: | About two..three weeks. |
| Me: | Yeah. Three weeks. |
| Hector: | What?! You're lying. |
| Michael: | No. Three weeks. |
| Hector: | Dang. That's amazing. You two have great chemistry. |
| Michael: | *turns to me* I'd say so. What do you think? |
| Me: | I'd have to agree. |
| Michael: | *pulls me in for a tight hug* |
| Hector: | That's awesome you guys. You both look really happy. |
You had your chance.
It’s come to the point where I can no longer sit around and wait for him, beat myself up, think “what if”, dwell on the past, and simply remain unhappy. I did my half and he failed to do his. By the time he was willing to actually make things work, it was too late; he had already moved on and so have I. You know, I’m an exceedingly loving person. I don’t like to be angry or malicious. That’s my problem. Every time I try to end things or fix things so that they are on a happy note, it’s never taken the right way. I hate other people involved in my business, but obviously my voice isn’t loud enough. Obviously he never listened to me. If he had, for all those many months, none of this would have ever happened.
I’m going to rant and I don’t give a fuck who sees.
So, there’s this ex of mine who has been giving me SHIT every single day since coming up to college telling me he wants to get back together and that he still LOVES me and all this BULLSHIT. Turns out, this little PRICK has a new NAZI girlfriend. The fact that he has been leading me on and also cuddling up with another girl goes to prove how FUCKED UP this person is. Who the FUCK messes with a girl he JUST MET and the girl he “LOVED” for a year and a half. I don’t give a fuck if I ruined his fucking day when I broke up with him. If I had done half the shit to him that he did to me, he would not speak to me EVER again. All his little friends said I overreacted!?! FUCK THEM TOO. No one knows how much he FUCKED WITH MY HEAD and lead to to believe I was NOTHING. I cried every. fucking. night. for SIX months pleading to GOD that it would just STOP. I wanted to DIE so I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. No one fucking knows what it feels like to have the person you’ve given EVERYTHING TO tell you you’re not enough, I HATE YOU, and that you’re the worst thing that ever happened to them. I am a GOOD PERSON. I do not deserve to be played, manipulated, and used. Calling me up for a good fucking hump when his new girlfriend is taking a nap is fucking disgusting. Texting me that he missed my ass and wanted to do dirty things with me while with her is repulsive. I can’t fucking believe I was so BLIND to the fact that I was just his fucking CALL GIRL. I STILL FUCKING LOVE YOU. But he has officially ridded my heart of ANY positive feelings towards him. I’m DONE being used. I’m DONE hurting every single day. I’m DONE being LIED to. I’m DONE protecting his fucking reputation. I AM DONE.
My nightly prayer.
Lord, I come to you tonight
Silent in my prayers
You are the only one who knows them
And the only one who cares
I am weak beyond my knowing
I do not have the fight
All the trials around me
Are sucking up my life
I know I have done wrong
Through decisions I have made
The consequences I face
Someday soon will fade
But I ask thee, oh Lord
To be with me now
For I know not what to do
No way, no how
Lord, show me a light
A path unknown to me
I only wish to live
With happiness next to thee
Please bless my heart with courage
Like a lion heart, be strong
I promise here and now
To refrain from doing wrong
I know now the truths
Of the covenants I have made
I promise to stand strong
No way shall I astray
Lord Heavenly Father
I thank thee for all my days
You give me to chance to live
And I am too grateful to display
I thank thee for thy son
And the atonement He doth made
Without it,
I would be a mess to this day
Lord I thank thee for thy love
And never leaving my side
I pray to thee
May I never cause thee to run and hide
I leave you with a plead
And small request indeed
Please, let this pain pass
You know what I need
I love my family dearly
And want nothing but their wellness
I care so deeply for them
But my family does not see this
Please, open their eyes
To the lessons I have learned
Let their hearts rest
And their minds no longer turn
Please bring peace
To this troubled and difficult time
I thank thee for listening
To my little petty whines
I love thee dearly
And only wish to make thee proud
I say these things
In the name of Jesus Christ
Amen
I wonder if he realizes…
That he is losing me. I also wonder if he realizes that if he continues to push me away, I won’t come back this time. I’m all for trying to make things work and working things out, but I’m not going to be the only one doing work here. If I continue to feel taken for granted, rejected, and unwanted…I will put my efforts into something else that makes me feel like the good person I know I am. I just wonder if he realizes how he’s breaking my heart all over again and this time, he will lose me forever.
Congratulations.
You got your revenge.
And now I’m the one crying
Never knowing when
When you think of me
Or if you ever care
I’m the one crying
This is too much to bare
Yeah. I hurt you
You hurt me too
And now you’ve made it clear
I’m no longer the one for you
So don’t blame me
When you find yourself alone
I tried so damn hard
To make my heart your home
But that wasn’t enough
I never was
And now I’m on my knees pleading
Pleading for a cause
I put everything I had into you
Every last bit of strength
And you denied it
To shove it in my face
So congratulations
You got your revenge
Now I’m the one crying
Feeling nothing but the end
