I need to verbally hear you tell me you care.
Unlike you, I can’t just assume it. You say I’m insecure; give me reason not to be.
Rant.
I have no where else to go at 1:30 am. I’ve prayed. I’ve cried. I’ve punched. I’ve screamed. I’ve written crappy poetry. And now I’ll vent to unknown persons. Joy.
These lyrics just playing said, “So back, up back up; take another chance.
Don’t you mess, up mess up; I don’t wanna lose you.
Wake up, wake up; this aint just a thing that you give up.”
Music saves me when all else fails.
Anyways, I guess I should probably get to the point of this whole dramatic soap opera (as my boyfriend puts it). And that’s just the thing, tonight was rough. It hurt, but opened my eyes to how selfish I’ve been. I haven’t been taking into consideration that he has a lot on his plate. I’ve been thinking that, “Oh, he just doesn’t care.” I’ve been feeling so upset with him, even though he’s done nothing wrong. It’s really selfish of me and completely unfair. I see that now. And the same time, his anger towards me has not ensured lately at all that I’m wrong about my ideas. The fact that he was stressed and took it out on me just kind of reassured me that he really didn’t care. I see now that the time he did spend on me, I took for granted by using it to fight with him. He did make it easy to fight. Too easy. I really hate fighting with him simply because I know we are both so much better than this. I think the biggest problem is the fact that I need verbal mushiness and he doesn’t like to show it anywhere else but in person. And considering we’re 800 miles away, that’s kind of impossible. Because of this, I say sweet things that come from my heart, but he feels it’s made up because my actions to not follow my words. It’s such a mess. But it’s a mess that I will clean up. I love this man. More than words can express. And when he offered up and alternative situation, life kind of slapped me in the face and told me its time to get over my desires and make the best of the terms and conditions that are available. I know by his side is where I am meant to be. And right now I’m making it sound like such a horrible situation, but he really is good to me and loves me unconditionally. I just haven’t been fair to him and I detest myself for that fact. I’ve expected too much and have given, in his eyes, too little. But this relationship I share with Dallin is one worth fighting for. I’ve never been more sure of it. Even when he yells and says the most hurtful things, I still love him. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I just have to fall in love with myself and the way I treat him before I can expect anymore from him. I am an imperfect being. I admit that completely. But I am doing what I can and will continue to do so. I just want to feel that that is enough. To feel like he believes and knows everything I say is real. I can’t do anything about the distance and therefore I say; which is like an empty promise to him. But he and I, we’ll get through this. Cause, you see, apart we’re good. We’re real good. But together, we’re great. We’re perfect. Perfectly imperfect. And that’s how I believe it should stay. I love him. More and more everyday. It’s just time to put on my big girl pants and grow up. It’s as easy and as difficult as that. But it’s worth it. And in the end, some great lesson will be learned and God’s plan will carry out to greater days. Life with Dallin is beautiful. This one little moment, this tiny speck, won’t change that.
One year’s time.
It is insane to think about how much has changed in my life in just a year. If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought this would be the life I would be leading, I’d probably laugh at you. If you ask me now if I would lead the life I lived a year ago, I’d probably smiling and shake my head in silence and give you a very precise reason as to why.
What has changed in one year’s time:
- Became a member of the Jesus Christ Church of the Latter Day Saints.
- Fell in love with someone I can see myself marrying.
- Stopped drinking/smoking.
- Started dressing modestly and with self respect.
- Decided to attend BYU.
- Grew a little more confident with my body image.
- Really set goals and priorities.
- Started getting the best grades I’ve ever had.
- Filtered through my true friends.
- Dedicated my life to serving God.
You see, I have never been happier than I am now. Some days I feel out of place with my new lifestyle and some days I am empowered by it. All together, I am grateful that this change has occured. Before, the happiness I felt was happiness brought on by substance that made me feel happy for an hour or four. Now, my happiness comes from a deep place within my heart. I owe most of this happiness to my involvment with the church. Without it, I would not be this better version of me that I am today.
There are also key people in my life that have continued to empower me to be my best. A year ago, I met my boyfriend. He has be a key component to my growth and happiness. He inspires, stregthens, loves, and supports me more than anyone I’ve ever known. I’ve also grown closer to friends whom have supported and guided me through different trials. As for my family, they are still having a hard time getting used to my whole new lifestyle. They often express feeling lesser than me due to my values and principles. It breaks my heart, but I suppose I will just have to continue to explain to them that they are still precious in my eyes; as well as the Lord’s.
Will I ever go back to my old ways? No. I get asked this question all the time and the answer is always the same. I will be shipping off to a Mormon college in the fall. In two years, I very well may be married to a Mormon husband and later down the line, I will hopefully be blessed with the opportunity to raise a Mormon family. I am Mormon now and will be until the day I die. That part I am sure of. I love this part of me, this part that the church brings out, and I do not ever want to lose it ever again.
